If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
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me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad