Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
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A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
This why you should mind your business
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….