I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
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u guys got any snacks onboard here
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
favorite tropes as memes
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave