Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
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“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.