My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
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ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.