Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
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Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.