If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
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I have obtained a hat
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties