Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
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Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907