College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
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That’s enough internet for the day
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.