[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
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If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
the best thing i’ve ever made
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.