feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
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Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.