Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
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interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
my retirement plan is braless
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.