I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
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Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
happy friday
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*