Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
You Might Also Like
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
When I can’t barge, I careen.
scares
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample