[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
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The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you