9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
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She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days