OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
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saw this in a dream
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.