Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
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The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead