I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
the three branches of government
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.