ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
You Might Also Like
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…