i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
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All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
sugar glider wrangler
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Who does Amazon think I am?
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.