Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
You Might Also Like
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
bad news gang
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror