I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
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Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try