People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
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Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”