Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
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I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Me too, bag. Me too….
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.