I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
You Might Also Like
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Always leave them wanting their money back.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies