*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
You Might Also Like
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics