COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
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Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*