15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
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Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science