Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
You Might Also Like
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped