It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
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I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Art by Pastelkatto
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Our lord and savoury.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute