Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
You Might Also Like
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
it was a valiant fight
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 馃槀
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don鈥檛 say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I haven鈥檛 worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you鈥檙e saying.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 馃檮 chill out. You aren鈥檛 a teletubby.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Camping tip: No.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Forget what you鈥檙e wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost鈥檚 head for eternity
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.