If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
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1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
any last words?
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
can’t wait til they legalize outside
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go