I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
You Might Also Like
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?