Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
You Might Also Like
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Oh my God.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken