All is fair in drunk and war.
You Might Also Like
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?