Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
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As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.