Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
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ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler