My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
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Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Bit chilly again tonight.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me