Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
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“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Best seat on the street 😍
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.