ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
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Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
What about a To-Don’t List?
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭