Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
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[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
and now we wait
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Noah
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.