“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
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I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit