“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
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*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
That’s incredible! 👌
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
🙅🏻
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears