Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
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My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Probably my best painting.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?