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Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”