Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
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Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
This rocks
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.