FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
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Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.