If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
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Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
me and who
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.