[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
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Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Holy shit he’s back
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink